I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

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‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later


[watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh


If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.


Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical


if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you


Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.


*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die


Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.


I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.