@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

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@sock_holliday

‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@vineyille

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

@imteddybless

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

@pixelatedboat

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

@UnicornSyrup

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.