I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
You Might Also Like
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick