I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
next level snooze
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.