Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!