@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

You Might Also Like

@TwinSurvivalist

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@RedRegenerated

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!