I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now