I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
DOOO EEEET
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving