I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous

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Don’t force funny huh?

Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…

…he’s losing a knee cap.


devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat


Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.


life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus


Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous


[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right


[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*


My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.