Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The options really are this bad
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.