Don’t force funny huh?
Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…
…he’s losing a knee cap.
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.