I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Always…
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?