I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I love it all
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you