I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

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Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.


They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?


I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.


[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.


Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.


My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.


[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?