Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Sitting here cooking up some meh.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I can’t stop laughing at this