I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Bed should get ready for ME
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.