7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years