@WalkingOutside

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

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@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

@kimtopher22

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years