I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.


When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.


I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?


“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards


What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.


*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*


*slams brakes*

Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture


I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.


Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.