I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me, reading some of your tweets
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥