I like to pretend I’m on “American Idol” by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.

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Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over


[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are


[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula


Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?


I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.


*guitarist breaks guitar*
*drummer throws drums*
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
*bassist plants a bomb*


If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?