@MissBamantha

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.

[later]

ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”

@wolfmannjr

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

@DistractedMomma

Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

@devc0ol

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*

@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”