I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward