[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.