I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
You Might Also Like
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”