I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.