I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?


Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…


Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”


Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.


She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.


“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”


Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.


Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.


Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening!
Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?


I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns