I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I triple waxed for this?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?