I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
#MeanwhileinCanada
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new