@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

You Might Also Like

@STATEofCONFUZUN

You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@karanbirtinna

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@krisv_723

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

@SteussieErica

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

@psinerd

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

@Smug_Lemur

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.