I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”