I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
What’s so funny?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*