@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

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@jakefromstfarm3

“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

@jpbrammer

ghosts just aren’t spooking rich people into charity like they used to

@OMGSoOverIt

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

@TheDrunkStory

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

@thatdutchperson

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

@causticbob

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

@GrowlyGrego

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.