I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.