I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.


5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.


M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.


i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest


A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.


me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working


Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.


With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends


getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community


Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.