@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

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@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

@Angibangie

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working

@goldengateblond

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

@shopkins776

With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@AzahelZamora

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.