I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary