I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance


Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.


When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.


I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.


Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise


If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]