@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

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@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@Not_a_JesusGirl

Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

@CArmanthegirl

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@heybuddy_comic

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]