I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
You Might Also Like
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder