I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
there’s probably a fee though
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor