I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.