@amydillon

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

You Might Also Like

@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?

Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people

I: but ur resume is impeccable

M: I think u mean unpeccable

@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@3sunzzz

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@online_shawn

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky