Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?
Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people
I: but ur resume is impeccable
M: I think u mean unpeccable
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds “Historian” to bio*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky