I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Looking at you, Jesus.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.