I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Webb. James Webb.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
*has no idea what a book even is*
How to find Kentucky on a map
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today