@BrettDruck
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
@RickAaron
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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@BrettDruck
@Aspersioncast
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
@BroOngod
@geowizzacist
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
@darinlovesbacon
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
@TweetingDadGuy
Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!
We’re sitting.
Now standing.
Sitting.
Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.
Shit, that was embarrassing.
@fro_vo
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
@saramvalentine
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
@samttaggart
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
@Jay_FrickinLynn
[At make-up counter]
But does this lipstick come off of a taint?