@RickAaron

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

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@BrettDruck

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@geowizzacist

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@TweetingDadGuy

Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.

Sitting.

Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.

@fro_vo

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

@saramvalentine

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

@samttaggart

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.