Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!
Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.
Shit, that was embarrassing.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof
no more questions
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[At make-up counter]
But does this lipstick come off of a taint?