I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
You Might Also Like
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
goldfish mafia
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.