I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?