Funny women are smart. Be careful.
You Might Also Like
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.