I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: