I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
asked my bf how work was today
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?