@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

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@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@robfee

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@jdforshort

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time

@MickyMax6

Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too

@DailyAdviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards