I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You Might Also Like
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today
He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time
Eat anything u want.
If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards