I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.