Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread