i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.