I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
TWEET CALL
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[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.