I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.

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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”


why does my dog sprint after he poops like heโ€™s fleeing the scene of a crime


Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]


He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?


Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.


If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.