me: im terrified of avengers
I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?
Wife: Just something with chocolate
[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]
turning my gender off to conserve energy
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.