Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.