@Importantest

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

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@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

@Ciara_Knight

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@thenoahkinsey

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

@MuttCutts

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.