I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters