@Storminika

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

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@NervousJr

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

@xysist

[ Spelling bee ]

Your word is Harry Potter

Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

@MBittersweet25

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.