Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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[ Spelling bee ]
Your word is Harry Potter
Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.