I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I falcon love using swear birds
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Every haunted house movie:
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”