@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

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@WilliamAder

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@thenoahkinsey

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.