Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Pantibros before pantihose?