I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You Might Also Like
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
rapatouille
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
What the dentist sees
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?