@shatterpants

I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.

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@ceejoyner

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

@Senor_LongDong

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@UniqueDude2

[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

@TweetPotato314

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

@Thunder_Fart

Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?

@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.