NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.