I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.

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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.


Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last


I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.


The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT


“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”


[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>


[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are


Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.