I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Happy Halloween 🎃
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero