I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

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how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now


When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can


Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced


Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep


A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath


[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”


Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.


Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.


Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]