@Gupton68

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

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@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@VerbsRProudest

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@BradBroaddus

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

@batkaren

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@MumInBits

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

@bonesher

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.