I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
You Might Also Like
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
gm
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.