@Breadery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

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@KeithAshers

If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio

@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@oakhillbargrill

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@CatsVsHumanity

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

@Book_Krazy

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”