If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
You Might Also Like
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Oh, you’re an early riser?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
ME: No, new please.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”