I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there