I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.